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April 2012

Rhode Island Divorces - Men Need to Fight Back Against the Entitlement Mentality!

I speak to many Rhode Island lawyers in the course of my divorce practice.  I have never heard this statement from a lawyer representing a man or from a man himself in a divorce case.  However, I have heard this statement from about 50% of women and their lawyers in divorce cases.

"I want what I am entitled to."

 Part of the biggest issue is the fact that many women who are making this statement are not saying it and expecting what is reasonable in a divorce.  The women who state this and their divorce lawyers are stating what the wife believes she is entitled to in a divorce proceeding and it has nothing to do with what is reasonable.

Men need to fight against this entitlement mentality in Rhode Island in divorce proceedings.

Too many wives and children have today have developed an entitlement mentality.  Women who have been taken care of for say 13 or even 17 years are claiming they are entitled to be taken care of "forever" because their husband worked a good job for 70 or even 80 hour a week, provided them with a good life and took care of them and the kids for many years and therefore they expect that to continue.  It simply isn't realistic.  

Children are being given more and more.  From Xbox 360 and PS3 Games to every DVD and cell phone they want, children are being given more than their parents ever had because their parents work their butts off.  Yet when this happens to either a wife or to the children they now get resentful to think that they might have to go to work or that the husband or father will not be providing for them at the same level as he previously did because he actually needs to survive and have a life separate from the wife.

What are any of us entitled to?  We're not expected to be handed a winning lotter ticket are we?  Then why do some women and children believe they are entitled to be "taken care of."  It is purely a matter of conditioning.  Women and children become conditioned to becoming spoiled by the husband and father.  When they realize that they aren't going to be handed that money to play with anymore and that they may have to actually "work" for a change, they go into culture shock.  They try to find a lawyer for their divorce that will force the issue that they are entitled to continue to receive all this money and to not have to work.

It's not realistic!  It's not even remotely fair either!  Imagine a man taking care of his wife for 30 years financially.  Then suddenly she's presenting to the court that she is entitled to be taken care of FOREVER!  What the heck is that?  Where was it in the wife's birth certificate or marriage certificate or even in her vows that she was to be left with a golden spoon in her mouth if the parties had to go their separate ways via a divorce?

Men don't take this attitude.  So what is it that causes women and children to do this.  There is one answer and only one answer.  They have become lazy and spoiled.  They don't keep their own skills up to par and maintain value and intelligence in their own lives so that they could survive if their spouse was suddenly hit by a bus.

Ignorance is no excuse!  I see it too often.  It comes from men and not from women and ultimately it needs to stop.  Men are becoming victimized by their wives, their children and in some instances the legal system is complicit in this conduct.

Whatever the circumstances, I urge men to stand up against this "entitlement mentality."  We have a right as husbands and fathers to live our lives.  We have the right to be happy.  We have the right not to be take advantage of.  These are not enumerated legal rights, they are common sense rights.

Yet, until we as fathers and husbands stand up and refuse to buckle to the pressure imposed upon us by today's new world "entitlement mentality" of our wives and children in the court system, we will continue to be victimized by our spouses, by our own children and by the courts.

It's time to be heard.  Husbands and Dads have rights!  Relinquish them and you become less than the man you should be and all your hard work was for nothing.

Yes, I support father's and husband's rights where appropriate.

All my Best to All Who Go Before the Rhode Island Family Court,

I am Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall and I am "The Rhode Island Divorce Coach."

Happy Easter from The Rhode Island Divorce Coach!

Today will be a hard day for many parents.  I know because it is a hard day for me.  Holidays are always the hardest for an absentee parent.

What is an absentee parent?  I have personally defined an absentee parent who wants to be part of his children's lives but for reasons ranging from alienation of your children by the attitude of an angry spouse to no longer wanting to see you for reasons unknown to you.

This is a concept that I have not heard used but it is one I have unfortunately come to know all too well.

For year after year my days were flooded with memories of my children running through my head.

If you are a parent sitting home today without seeing your children or knowing that in any way your children, love you, think of you, or appreciate the sacrifices you made for them and you miss them terribly, then know that I know your pain.

I became an absentee parent before I learned the hard lessons and before seeing all the things I have seen as a Rhode Island lawyer focusing my practice in divorce.

Divorce whether contested or uncontested is only one of the reasons behind becoming an absentee parent.  Yet it is neither a productive nor a happy thought of any parent sitting in a chair miserable as holiday's pass and you miss them.

We, as parents, can only do what we can do.  We cannot control those things that are out of our control.  You cannot control the mind and decisions of your children.  We can only do what we can do and control our own actions.

Sometimes we are forced to let go for the sake of our sanity and our  health, otherwise we damn ourselves to countless horrible holidays with mindless, senseless mental torture to things due to things outside our control.

We cannot turn back the clock and change the past.  We cannot convince a person of the truth of they will not listen.  We can rarely undo a poisoned mind or the mind of a child raised with bitterness toward us for reasons unknown to us.

I wish everyone a Happy Easter, including absentee parents!  I hope you find this article and realize that sometimes we do and say everything in our power as parents to love and support our children.

Sometimes you can do nothing to prevent your own alienation.

Today is a day of renewal and rebirth.  Renew in yourself the idea that you are a good person.

All you can expect of yourself is to do all that you can do!  The truth is that bad and painful things happen to good people.  

 There is nothing wrong in accepting the truth of that.  Yet simply because you have pushed yourself to your limit and still remain an absentee parent does not mean that you have failed or are a failure.

We all deserve to live and be happy.

Happy Easter!  Live, Love and Be Happy!


All my Best to You on this Easter 2012,

From Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall, "The Rhode Island Divorce Coach"

Six Important Segments to a Good Uncontested Rhode Island Divorce!

Rhode Island divorce lawyers have been hesitant to join me in my endeavor to offer my Uncontested Divorce Coaching Program to Rhode Islanders who want to represent themselves due to the cost.

However, Rhode Island Coaching is a straight-forward and informative process that is tremendously helpful to get you through an uncontested divorce properly and without clogging up the Rhode Island Court because you don't know what you are doing.

The Coaching process helps both you and the court and it is substantially less expensive than typcial representation by a Rhode Island Divorce attorney because you do some things within the divorce proceeding that you are more than capable of doing and therefore you don't have to pay the lawyer to do them.

There are six (6) important segments/sessions to a good uncontested Rhode Island divorce that I believe are indispensible to properly preparing for your Rhode Island Uncontested Divorce.

Divorce Coaching No. 1 - Understanding the Rhode Island Divorce Process and Procedure

Divorce Coaching No. 2 - Correctly Assembling the Initial Divorce Packet, Filing it and Serving it Upon Your Spouse

Divorce Coaching No. 3
- Reaching a Proper Marital Settlement Agreement with Your Spouse that Is Acceptable to the Court

Divorce Coaching No. 4
- Preparing for your Nominal Divorce Hearing

Divorce Coaching No. 5
- Preparing Your Decision Pending Entry of the Final Judgment Following Your Nominal Divorce Hearing

Divorce Coaching No. 6
- Preparing Your Final Judgment of Divorce

Do you want to represent yourself in your own uncontested divorce?  Do you know how to handle each of these six (6) segments and the different points that are contained in each segment so that your Rhode Island divorce goes properly?

You may only have one shot at a proper and straight-forward uncontested divorce.  Is it worth saving a few hundred dollars to blow your shot at an Uncontested RI Divorce?  I can tell you with certainty that it is NOT!  The mess you can get yourself into could cost you lots of lost time from work, missed time with your children, missed classes from your schooling, and perhaps thousands of dollars for an experienced lawyer to fix the mess you've created.

Do yourself a favor!  Do it once by doing it once and doing it correctly!  Get some proper Rhode Island Divorce Coaching and Get it Done Right the First Time!

All my Best to All Who Go Before the Rhode Island Family Court,

I am Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall and I am "The Rhode Island Divorce Coach."

When People Accept that Marriage is a Contract, Divorce Should Be Easier!

The family courts of most states, including Rhode Island's, grew out of the need to address the countless people who had become married and now wanted to go their separate ways.  Yet the civil courts of most states already had large civil courts to address contract issues. 

The general idea was whether to keep expanding the large civil courts a little bit more each time married people wanted to go their separate ways and each wanted a share of what they had built while they were married, or to create a new court or division of the court entirely to involve matters arising out of family situations, including for those people who wanted to leave their spouse and take part of what they had built together with them.  Thus, the the family courts were born out of a need to address these issues and many others that grew out of "family situations."

A problem arises though from today's modern media and the romanticism that has grown out of marriage and made it a huge money-making industry.

Think about it.  Many young women today dream of the day of their wedding from the time they own the Barbie Bride Doll(tm).  They envision the elegant wedding dress and veil, the beautifully adorned bridesmaids accompanied by groomsmen wearing tuxedos with all variety of flowers displaying vibrant colors and filling the air with the sweet fragrance of love.  Then there is the wonderful reception surrounded by friends and family and food fit for a king. It all culminates in the beginning of your life with your soulmate on a tropical island walking hand in hand along the beach as you kiss your perfect mate as the moonlight dances along the small soothing waves of the water.

Yet in all of this people have forgotten the origins of marriage that still remain today.  Even today marriages throughout the United States require a wedding license application, witnesses are often needed for the exchange of vows (aka promises) to one another.  At the end of the ceremony the parties to the marriage, the officiant and the witnesses sign the marriage certificate after the promises have been exchanged and they submit the document to the state to record the marriage.

Why is this all done?  Take a look at it again.  The husband and wife entered into a contract with one another.  Their marriage is a contract.

The task of the family court in a divorce proceeding is to legally assist the parties when separating by dividing the contract that spouses entered into.

If you understand the concept of a contract, and accept that marriage is a legal contract being divided fairly by the court as if it were the division of a business partnership then you can more easily deal with it.

The main problem that arises in divorce proceedings is when husbands and wives are unable to extract their feelings about the relationship from the divorce itself.  It's understandable why many people find that hard to do because it is the relationship and its promises that form the underlying basis for entering into the contract to begin with.

It is strongly suggested that if your emotions are strong and you are entering into divorce proceedings for any reason, that you should get some counseling to help you deal with your emotional reaction to the divorce.

It is not easy to deal with a divorce, especially when you are dealing with a long-term relationship.  Yet the longer the divorce goes on, the more time, money and energy you usually spend on the legal proceeding itself rather than addressing your relationship issues and moving on with your life.

When you realize and accept that the emotional and legal aspects of a divorce can be separated from one another, then you are able to achieve a better result in both.  Oversimplifying it, you then deal with your emotion about the breakdown of the relationship with your counselor and you deal with the practical aspects of the breakdown of the marriage and moving on (i.e. division of your assets and debts) in the family court.

By achieving this separation between these two aspects, divorce should be easier to some degree.


All my Best to All Who Go Before the Rhode Island Family Court,

I am Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall and I am "The Rhode Island Divorce Coach."

3 Reasons Divorce Mediation Might be a Good Idea for Your Rhode Island Divorce!

Yesterday's brief Rhode Island divorce article addressed 3 Cons about mediation for divorces.  It's only right to give mediation its due by offering several Pros in favor of mediation.  Balance the pros and the cons and perhaps you can determine if RI Divorce Mediation is right for you.

3 Pros that May Convince You that RI Divorce Mediation is for You

1.  Mediation provides a neutral third-party individual with no vested interest to help you and your spouse reach agreement about your divorce resolution.  A divorce mediator has no vested interest in the outcome of the resolution of the divorce, therefore a neutral third party is often in the best position to help reach an equalized agreement between the divorcing parties.

2.  Mediators often have some type of negotiating experience either through counseling or through their legal experiences dealing with divorcing people or adverse parties in order to keep the situation calm and reasonable, yet still make progress.

3.  Mediation is often realistic.  In divorce situations parties need to be realistic about what is happening, what is going to happen and what their future may be like afterward and take all of it into consideration.  Mediators often help both parties keep the realities of the situation in perspective so that both spouses remain realistic and practical about the resolution of their divorce both for now and for the future.

Divorces are about as realistic as it gets. Maintaining a civil attitude when reaching a divorce agreement and throughout your Rhode Island divorce proceeding helps maintain the control of the proceeding so that emotions do not cause everything to spiral out of control, become expensive and cause a waste of time and unneeded stress in your life.

While I am personally not an advocate of Rhode Island Divorce Mediation for legal reasons and cost expenditures, Mediation does have its benefits for some people and depending upon the mediator it can actually save some spouses time and money.

All my Best to All Who Go Before the Rhode Island Family Court,

I am Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall and I am "The Rhode Island Divorce Coach."