Rhode Island Divorce Tips

Are you a prospective Rhode Island Divorce client?  This may be of interest to you if you are even contemplating filing for divorce in Rhode Island but you don't know what to expect or whether your spouse will fly off the handle.

Here's a recipe for spouses in a divorce you might want to consider.  I've kept this to the most basic of fundamental ingredients that I've seen make a Rhode Island Divorce Settlement work.  So if you have questions or comments, by all means, post them and get them answered so this recipe can be explained further if it needs to be.

* * * RHODE ISLAND DIVORCE SETTLEMENT * * * 

* * * MY INTELLECTUAL RECIPE FOR SETTLEMENT * * *

1.  It Takes Two!

You and your spouse must both follow this recipe in order for it to work.  The sooner you do, the sooner you are likely to reach a settlement to your divorce case.

2.  Discard your emotions.  

Got that!  There is no emotion in the Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer's recipe for settlement.  You may find this to be the most challenging part of this recipe because you may feel tons of emotion over the news that your spouse wants a divorce or even if you've both decided mutually that a divorce is the best thing for each of you.  However, if you allow emotion to become part of the recipe for your divorce, you actually prevent settlement.  Remember it this way.  Emotion prevents Motion!
 

3.  Discard your thoughts of "entitlement."  

This isn't easy either, whether you are getting divorced or not.  Life itself isn't really about entitlement. Entitlement is something that we as people create in our minds and it changes as our thoughts change.  So, do yourself a favor and simply take personal responsibility for your own life.  If you were adult enough to get married, you could make any other decision that you needed to in order to survive, protect yourself, take care of yourself, and control your own life.  

The best example of what happens to resolving Sylvester Stallone in one of the Rocky movies from the 1980's said it best when his brother-in-law (Paulie) said to him "I'm entitled."   Rocky responded by saying something akin to "Nobody's entitled!  We do because we want to do."  I've tried to include that little clip here because it is a very good analogy as to the fights that occur when emotions and entitlement happen in a relationship.  Unfortunately, in a divorce things don't end as quickly.  If you notice, Rocky and Paulie continued their relationship and Paulie still had the idea that he was entitled to all that Rocky had built up.  Paulie never took personal responsibility for his own decisions and life choices that led him to where he was in his life.    (My Apologies - Excerpt being reformatted..)

4.  Fill your divorce settlement mixing bowl with a huge bag of heavy duty reality.

The heavy duty reality of any divorce is that when you and your spouse settle your case amicably, you do so on your terms for your lives.  

You are in control!  

Realistically, if you both hire lawyers or end up reaching Case Management Conferences in the Rhode Island Family Court, then one of you either is not following the recipe or you have a lawyer who is making waves (possibly where he or she should not be),  costing you money, prolonging your divorce, and preventing you from moving forward in your life.  While technically you still have control it is all too easy for your attorney to assume control without you knowing it or realizing it because he or she will do what they believe to be right in your best interests legally.

5.  Fill your RI divorce settlement mixing bowl with a heaping portion of heavy duty practicality. 

This is one of the most important ingredients because without this you just won't see the big picture.  Be practical in this instance more than you have ever been in your life.  What will it cost you if you don't follow this recipe?

If you hire a lawyer to go to court for you, then you should plan on paying for that lawyer yourself because in most cases that's what happens regardless of where you get the funds from. So, practically speaking you can kiss several thousand dollars goodbye and that's just to start.

Practically speaking, when you hire a lawyer you lose some measure of control of your case, your settlement, and your life.  So practically speaking you can say goodbye to some or all of the control you have over this tremendously important part of your life.

If you don't want to follow this divorce settlement recipe, that's your decision. However, it's almost inevitable that you are going to lose or waste a chunk of time in your life consumed by your divorce which prevents you from being happy and moving on in a healthy manner.  So go ahead and say goodbye to a good chunk of time in your life because you've wasted it on a divorce, emotional chaos, stress, depression, anxiety, and perhaps even creating permanent damage to your health.

These are just a few things that the lack of practicality will cause you to miss.  So if you don't want to follow the recipe, you and your spouse can (and probably will) lose money, time, happiness, control and worst of all your mental, physical and emotional health.  

Yet look at all the wonderful things you will gain such as debt, anxiety, lost time from work, school or your children, poor health, unhappiness, resentment, attorney's fees and litigation costs, possible alienation from your children and much more.

6.  Then mix in the best interests of the children followed by the assets, the debts, and lastly the living needs of each party while sprinkling in a generous amounts of common sense and reasonableness.

7.  Once it is thoroughly mixed, divide the mixture and round them out in sizes created by agreement and cooked until they are golden brown.  Hand the tray to the judge for review and approval.

If this sounds like an absurd way to look at a divorce settlement to you, then I certainly respect your opinion.  If you would rather that I called it a "formula" and used chemistry or something more in tune with either the legal profession or something more or a scholarly nature, then you may certainly substitute your own analogy for the "recipe" that I have offered here.  

Ultimately, as a Rhode Island lawyer focusing my practice in Rhode Island divorce and family law I've seen this recipe work time and time again.  In fact, I've learned more about this "recipe" or "formula" from the people who have come to me for my low-cost divorce coaching than from any experience I've ever had in the practice of law.

Do you want some very good divorce coaching?  

Here it is.  You may want to show this article to your spouse and see if the two of you can follow this recipe and reach an agreement, calmly, quietly and respectfully.  If you need some help, talk it out and decide which one of you wants to call me for a little coaching on the subject. 

Consider this Rhode Island Divorce Example that I came up with as I write this article which will develop more as a stream of consciousness than a well planned out and upscale legal article.

* * * Divorce Example of Bristol, Rhode Island Couple Virginia and Aaron  * * *

Virginia and Aaron have been married for 7 years.  They have 3 minor children.  Virginia works part-time because they don't make enough income to afford full-time childcare costs for both of them to work full-time.  As a couple Virginia and Aaron merely get by from week to week, paycheck to paycheck.  Like many couples, financial struggles have torn them apart as husband and wife and Virginia now wants a divorce because she wanted more out of life and doesn't seem to be finding it with Aaron. 

If Virginia and Aaron agree on their divorce issues, do they need a divorce lawyer?  Legally speaking, one or the other of them really should get some competent legal advice to get through their divorce in the easiest manner possible.

So what is the greatest issue here?  It's the age old problem of MONEY!  Lawyers want and need to get paid for their services.  I can tell you that lawyers services are, in fact, valuable.  The depth of information that a lawyer is expected to know in any field of law requires life-long learning and exposes us to daily liability for every word the comes out of our mouths.  Sometimes I even regret telling people that I'm a lawyer at a social engagement because invariably someone wants to just "run something by me" to "get my thoughts".  It can be very difficult to avoid offending the person and avoid giving my "thoughts" which the person might consider as legal advice and act on.  The next thing you know, the person does something crazy with the tiny information I gave them and now I am called "their lawyer" and I gave them "legal advice".  This is precisely why few if any divorce lawyers in Rhode Island (other than my new Coaching Program) make it a practice to offer anything other than a "one size fits all" proposition to prospective new clients.

So for Virginia and Aaron, do they absolutely NEED a divorce lawyer?  No, they don't.  Why, because practically speaking Virginia already knows that she and her husband can't afford the least expensive lawyer they could find and Virginia has already discovered that they waiting line for pro bono attorneys is exceptionally long. 

So what do you do if you are in Virginia and Aaron's position?  You do what you have to do, right?  Isn't that what we do when things get tough?  Don't most of us just get out there and do what needs to get done when we have to for our benefit and for major life decisions. Yes, that's exactly what we do.

So, Virginia and Aaron, could you do this on your own?  Yes, you could.  You could do your homework on the internet, at the nearest law library and even find time to go to court and watch a few cases to see how things work.  Will you be as prepared?  Maybe not. It may depend upon how much effort you put into finding out how to do things.

Will you get your divorce paperwork back from the Rhode Island Family court with it all filed correctly?  Maybe not the first time.  However, f it's rejected the family court clerks will usually give you some kind of indication of what didn't quite make the grade or what was missing. 

However, If the Rhode Island Family Court clerks don't tell you how to fill out the forms, how to correct them, or why they need to be filled out in a certain way, it's simply because they are prevented from doing so.  They are not your attorney and they are not allowed to advise you because the vast majority of them are not attorneys and since they work for the State of Rhode Island it may expose them and the State of Rhode Island to liability if you misunderstand what they tell you or if they leave out something without knowing that it applies to your situation. 

So if you are going to execute your constitutional right to represent yourself and handle your divorce on your own, you take the risk as well and you should plan on some bumps in the road.  You're on your own unless you get some legal advice or coaching to help you through this process. There may be only minor bumps in your divorce proceeding if you get lucky.  There may be bumps in the road that are so large that you can't even get through a successful hearing because you don't understand what is required by law or by the court's procedure.

So the question is better phrased like this, Am I required to have a lawyer represent me in my Rhode Island Divorce?  NO!  I've seen plenty of people represent themselves in divorces.  They've gone from A to Z and received their divorce decree without a lawyer preparing their forms or showing up in court with them. 

Now, if one couple can make it through an uncomplicated and straightforward divorce between two amicable and agreeable spouses, then, the question is... Can you do it?  It is certainly possible. I know that with my assistance and coaching I've been able to coach as many as 100 couples in a single year to go through their own divorces successfully and spend only a fraction of what it costs to hire even the least expensive lawyer such as the one Virginia came across.

In most Rhode Island divorce situations that are uncontested about the majority of Rhode Island divorce issues, do you need a representational lawyer who does everything for you and goes to court with you?  In my opinion, people who fall into this category don't need it. 

If you fall into that category it is best if you approach your divorce as a learning experience.  Your strength will be found in realizing that there are certain procedures and issues under Rhode Island law that must be addressed.  Once you identify the Rhode Island procedures and legal issues and you represent yourself, you need to take personal responsibility for everything that goes along with representing yourself, that includes your outcome, any setbacks and any problems you encounter. 

Even an experienced Rhode Island Divorce lawyer who is helping you in the manner of a "coach" by instructing you and teaching you in a general fashion can't anticipate everything you will encounter.  If you don't handle documents or issues properly then it is entirely possible that your divorce might plummet to the ground like a flaming plane crashing before it reaches the end of the runway when a person represents him or herself and does so in such a poor manner that the judge dismisses your divorce case. 

So, what does that mean for you because you didn't seek professional help from anyone?  Let's see . . you have (1) paid a wasted filing fee of $120 that is paid to the Rhode Island Family Courts, (2) you have paid a constable's fee of $55 or so; (3) you have created an angry family court judge, (4) you have experienced personal frustration and possible embarrassment, and (5) worse yet you may have to spend the time and money going through the process all over again from the start.

Ultimately, you are not required to have an attorney.  You have the right to represent yourself and you can do it if you have to.... and successfully too.  Do I advocate that you do it without ANY professional help?  NO, not unless you are going to take the amount of time that many of us have taken as lawyers to study the law for years, keep up on case law and appear before the family court judges on a regular basis.  

Keep in mind that as Rhode Island lawyers focusing a practice in divorce, you earn the ins and outs of the court system that aren't found in any book, law, order, procedure or in anything other than experience.  That's something that a coach might impart in a coaching session, but it's not something you will get unless you hire the attorney outright or hire a coach to help you based upon what you can afford. 

Are there complex issues in your divorce? If there are, you should know about it by seeking the advice of a divorce lawyer and/or Rhode Island Divorce Coach to identify those issues.  Then you can consider whether the issues are beyond what you feel what you are capable of addressing and go from there. 

When could more complex issues Rhode Island arise?  That's a question for another day.

* * * A Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer / Coach Suggestion * * *