It's sad to see so many spouses divorcing on a weekly basis. Many RI Divorce cases contain spouses who are bitter, unyielding and unwilling to come to any kind of compromise even when there may be minor children involved. All too often I see the minor children in such situations victimized and hurt because one or the other parent can't control his or her animosity and the tension, anger, and stress carry over to the children. That is why I have made it a major goal of my Rhode Island family law practice to try to bring divorces to an amicable resolution before tensions can rise and families can be torn apart.
Ultimately, the truth is that many marriages can be saved and spouse's can keep their marriages together whether they have children or not. Naturally it all takes work not just one day a week but every day. The way to make it easier is to turn what is at first "work" into an enjoyable exercise that keeps the love and communication alive in your family.
Personally, I recommend reading John Gray's books that started with "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" as a good start. Ultimately I have come to realize that men and women do, in fact, think and act differently from one another. This, of course, makes a big difference in how each spouse perceives what the other spouse has said or done in a particular situation.
As I write this I can give you a specific example.
A husband is tired and has just finished a household project that has taken him two days to complete and he sits down to rest and have a bowl of ice cream as his reward. His wife is sitting nearby.
His wife likes to sew, perform embroidery and make small quilts but she's has been sick off and on for the past year and she has been somewhat limited in what she can do and she has found it discouraging. She has a nice sewing room which was the first room in the house to be recarpeted and in which she has acquired 6 or 7 sewing machines, embroidery machines and sergers to do the things she enjoys.
WIFE: I'm looking forward to when we can get new furniture.
The husband suddenly becomes angry, defensive and snaps at his wife. He feels tired and unappreciated for the work he just did. Even if she told him "Thank you." or tells him "You did a great job. That probably isn't going to help if she talks about furniture the same day. The appreciation is going to be forgotten because he now thinks it isn't good enough that he spent the last two days she has to have the furniture right away too. In a nutshell, the husband is most likely going to feel that he isn't appreciated.
HUSBAND: "It just doesn't matter how much I do or how much I make. You'd just rather that I work forever till I die for all the money we need to get all this stuff when you know I hate my job. There's just no pleasing you."
The wife is quiet a moment.
WIFE: Well, we were talking about getting new furniture, weren't we? I keep having to wait to get things done when I would like them to get done but because I can't do it myself and I don't make the money that is needed then I have to wait till you feel like it.
The husband becomes angrier and even more defensive.
HUSBAND: I don't remember talking about going to get new furniture right away. This all takes money you know.
WIFE: Oh, I know! It's just like that $25 per week you said I could have for an allowance each week. That's the same amount of money my ex-husband used to give me . . . 20 years ago.
Fortunately, the Wife realizes it's best not to say anything more to hurt their relationship and she decides to calmly leave the room before either of them says something they'll regret.
WIFE: I need some alone time. I'm going to our bedroom for a while to calm down.
This is a typical exchange between a husband and a wife. Now granted it seems like a regular type of disagreement that spouses may have, but clearly there are feelings and perhaps misunderstandings that may be hidden in the conversation which left unaddressed are only going to grow, become bottled up and may possibly destroy the trust and communication between this couple.
So what happened here. The man has been working on a home project that has taken time during two days out of his life. While he may or may not be happy with the end result of this project, he may have spent money, time, energy and his own frustration to get this project done. If it's a home project then it's very likely that this was a project that his wife wanted done as well for one reason or another. Maybe it provided more spacing in a closet or closed off an unsightly wall or some ugly wiring. If this is the case, the man may be proud that he did something for his wife and for his house. From his statements he put some money into it and thought both he and his wife benefitted from what he had just done.
So, we have a tired man who believes that this may have been a pretty good project to move things along at the house and to help his wife be happier with their home. Now, whether she knows it or not a man needs to be proud of what he has done and hopefully have others be proud of it too, especially his wife if he was doing it to make his wife happy too. For a man, I've learned myself that this period of time is usually a few days. A man in this position usually doesn't want to hear about another project that involves either more time or money on the very day he's completed one project. What this says to the husband is that the time, money and effort really weren't appreciated that much so let's get on to things that really make a difference. In the end, mentioning another project or purchase right after one was just finished makes the husband feel as though his accomplishment is meager and that the appreciation wasn't genuine at all.
Now let's assume that this husband is a man who likes to please his wife and that when he hadn't done too much around the house for some time he started talking with her about new carpeting, doing some painting and getting some new furniture.
So what has happened here. The wife is likely to be very excited about these things. In fact, noone could blame her if she couldn't wait to get them all done. Now here the husband has given the wife the impression, belief or hope that these things can be done. She's excited and there's nothing wrong with that! So now the wife has an expectation that her husband is going to follow through on the other things he talked about with her. Now, here husband has told her that one thing is done and she's told him it looks great and thanks him. Now, in the wife's mind it's okay to move on at least to talking about the next thing and so on. The husband may have been referring to all these things in the long term or maybe over a period of six months but if he didn't specify any timeframe at all then how is his Wife to know that? The fact is .... she can't! She certainly isn't a mind reader. When his wife gets excited when one thing is done by her husband. Suddenly all the things her talked about seem possible. The end result is that she gets more excited and so she naturally thinks its just fine to talk about one of the other things because her husband had been the one to mention them. After all, if he mentioned them then it should be a safe topic for her to talk about, right? It makes sense, doesn't it?
What the husband and wife need to understand here is that each of them processes things differently and they each have different inherent expectations about some things that they expect the other spouse to know about. The husband got defensive and upset because he needed to have some time off between projects and he probably even needed time for himself to appreciate what he had done so he could regain momentum for something else he had mentioned to his wife. The wife didn't know this because she didn't realize that her husband thinks this way and so she began talking about what was really a taboo subject right after the completion of one project.
How can we know things like this?
How are wives supposed to know that their husbands most likely think like this and understand their responses and reactions? And by the same token how are husbands supposed to understand that they may be the one that caused the wife to bring up the taboo subject in the first place?
The answer is as close as your local bookstore or library or even the internet. Though there are many writers who write on the interactions between men and women. It has become more important in today's age to understand the very fact that husbands and wives see, feel, understand, and experience things differently and therefore we process things differently. As a result of these things, what we say, mean and expect may be very different. We need to understand that we are opposite sexes not just by our anatomy but also in the very way our brain functions and how we interpret things.
Men speak one language and Women speak another language. When we learn to understand the language of the opposite sex then we can insure that we clear up these misunderstandings in communications and restore love and trust in the marriage relationship.
In this particular instance, the husband and wife would both be best left to calm down and approach each other with cool heads remembering the best things they love about their spouse and then try to come to terms with how they each felt about each of the things they each said and why they said them. By sharing this particular dynamic honestly with each other, they will strengthen their marriage, their bond of trust and their understanding of each other to prevent possible future misunderstandings along the same lines.
Keeping these things bottled up is always detrimental to the relationship. Bottled up emotions often cause anger, jealousy, unappreciation, and other negative emotions to fester and may cause spouses to relive or repeatedly bring up old incidents that simply exist because they were left unresolved by one or both spouses. Communication and understanding is the key to any effect marriage in which love truly resides.
Make no mistake about it, I am no advocate for divorce. However, if a divorce must take place and the parties need to go their separate ways, it is always my goal to bring the parties to a resolution without the destruction of either spouse, children involved in the relationship, or the family unit as a whole.
I am here to help and I am . . . The Rhode Island Divorce Coach!
The Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer and Coach on Equity, Justice and Rhode Island Law!
Equity or fairness and justice are not the same as Rhode Island Law. If you see them as one and the same, then you need to clear your mind of this image. While there certainly may have been an effort by law makers to establish Rhode Island Laws that provide for fundamental fairness and embody justice, it is a mistake to to equate them. This maximum applies to much more than just Rhode Island Divorce Lawyers or Rhode Island Family Laws.
However, since the focus of my practice is Rhode Island divorce and family law, I will use a family law example to insure this blog stays "on topic" with what my readers expect.
* * * Rhode Island Family Law Example * * *
Tammy and Bill are young kids who live in the State of Washington. They don't take precautions against pregnancy in their sexual activity Tammy becomes pregnant. Tammy is shocked. She has just completed high school and things aren't very supportive at home. Tammy's parents aren't that supportive. Tammy's aunt offers her a place to stay in Rhode Island. However, Tammy tells Bill that she needs some time to herself and is going to spend time with her aunt in Rhode Island. Suddenly two months becomes four and the next thing you know Bill is traveling to Rhode Island to be supportive to Tammy during the pregnancy. Bill is taking the pregnancy and his role as a "soon to be father" very seriously.
Tammy tells Bill that she intends to return to Washington. Tammy gets along well with Bill's parents and as a result Bill's parents offer Tammy and the baby a place to live with free room and board, help with child care, and all the space she needs for herself and the baby with no strings attached.
Tammy tells Bill that she will return home to Washington and stay with them. She texts Bill and let's him know that she will be coming back as soon as the baby is reasonably old enough to fly. When that time comes, Bill's parents buy the ticket, but at the very last minute Tammy calls and says she isn't coming. Shockingly Tammy then tells Bill she is not coming back to Washington at all and she files a family law action in Rhode Island to remain there and get child support from Bill even though she knows Bill is in college and doesn't have a job. Tammy also doesn't have a job and between the two of them Tammy knows it is going to be very difficult for Bill to see his son without rather expensive air travel and hotel reservations.
Bill is beside himself. He has a new daughter named Jacqueline. He wants to be part of her life. Yet the mother has essentially hi-jacked his daughter half-way across the United States making it very hard for Bill to be able to afford the round trip airfaire and hotel. Ultimately, unless he does something, if he sees his daughter Jacqueline occasionally he will be lucky. Plus, Bill is now faced with the lawsuit Tammy filed half-way across the country at additional cost to him.
Bill consults a lawyer and finds out that the State of Washington might have just as much right to decide Jacqueline's custody as the Rhode Island court. Bill hires a local lawyer to file suit in the State of Washington and hires a Rhode Island lawyer to help him defend against the lawsuit in Rhode Island by taking the position that the matter should be heard in the Washington Courts.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Law and equity sometimes clash when justice is sought.
Equity is, in essence, the level of fairness with which a situation is handled based upon the the facts when applied to the law.
Justice is considered the resulting decision based upon the correct application of the law to the particular set of facts that relate to the law. Yet the result is not always "just" because the law itself is not always just. The goal is that the lawmakers should fundamentally take into consideration how equitable the result will be for different people when the facts are applied to the law. Yet can you imagine lawmakers trying to anticipate every type of situation that might occur? The truth is, it's almost impossible for lawmakers to think of every possible set of circumstances. That is precisely why Rhode Island Divorce and Family lawyers exist and why the courts are present to interpret the laws until they can be changed, if necessary.
If a law is written well, then justice results when you apply all the various kinds of facts and situations to the existing law. Thus, you end up with an equitable (i.e. fair) result in almost every case based upon the existing facts.
Yet what is "equitable" and constitutes "justice" in just this situation?
Consider these facts and/or questions.
1. Assume both Washington and Rhode Island have laws that say they have the power to decide this matter. Is it more fair and just that the State of Washington decide this matter or that it be left to the courts in the State of Rhode Island?
2. Should the State which decides the answer depend upon where the baby was conceived when the parties were together or where the baby was actually born?
3. Assume that the custody action was filed first in the State of Rhode Island Family Court and then two weeks later one was filed in the State of Washington. Should the date of filing be the deciding factor?
4. Bill and Tammy resided together in the State of Washington together before Tammy took her little vacation to Rhode Island which turned out to be permanent (as Bill found out all too late). Should the State of Washington have jurisdiction over the family law custody matter for Bill and Tammy's child based upon the fact that Tammy claims she is now a resident of Rhode Island?
5. Assume for a moment that there are laws in the State of Rhode Island that say it depends upon the state where the baby was born but the laws in the State of Washington says that its states courts are proper if the baby was conceived there. Which state's laws should apply? Is it fairer for Bill to have to defend in Rhode Island or that Tammy have to return and defend in the State of Washington?
6. Do the courts use the laws which seem most just? Or might they use the laws which seem the fairest? Should the states communicate between each other and try to determine between them which laws should be used?
Confusing isn't it? Consider this . . . . This is just deciding which court has the right to handle the matter. Now assume that the Rhode Island law on the subject is written very poorly. Yet the State of Washington's laws are written carefully so that equality is observed and the applications of the facts to the law more often end up in a just result. Does that have any bearing on which state's laws should be used in hearing this Child Custody Matter?
What if you learned that the laws about the use of the correct family court were to tell you that the State with the poorly written laws were required to be used. Would it help to know that you would be using state laws that are more likely to result in an unjust decision?
Though i could use examples of specific conflicting laws between states, or even laws within the State of Rhode Island of problematic laws, the example and questions are sufficient to demonstrate for you that Equity, Justice and Rhode Island Law are not always identical to one another.
The point is this. If you believe that justice, Equity and Rhode Island law are interchangeable, it might be time for you to question your beliefs. If they were the same, then virtually identical facts presented on the same day in the same court, would yield the same result but this is not necessarily so.
Ultimately, justice and equity are both subjective by their very nature and Rhode Island Law is what it is at the time it is used. It may be equitable. It may be just. It may be both equitable and just. Or it may be neither. Rhode Island law simply is what it is. None of the three are the same unless they are subjectively viewed as the same by the same person in the same set of circumstances and reach the same result, an occasion which I believe is more likely to be a rarity than it is an actual fact.
Awareness of this difference will prepare you for disappointment when it is unexpected just as it may develop a feeling of surprise when it creates an unexpectedly positive result. Just keep in mind that the three are not the same and that your lawyer may argue his or her best on your behalf by using these tools, it is ultimately the language of the law, the facts of the circumstances and the interpretation of the the judge in your particular matter that will determine whether the the three will correspond to each other or not.
Authored By:
Christopher A. Pearsall, Attorney-at-Law
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Posted by Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall on October 23, 2010 at 09:13 PM in Commentaries, Coping with Divorce, Divorce & Controversial, Divorce & Men, Divorce & Mothers, Divorce & Questions, Divorce & Separation, Divorce & Women, Divorce & Your State of Mind, Divorce Hearings and Trials, Divorce Lawyers & Practice Philosophies, Divorce Lawyers and Custody Jurisdiction, Divorce Principles, Divorce Questions, Equitable Distribution, Legal Custody, Physical Custody of Children, Public Opinion, RI Divorce and Perspectives, RI Family Court Judges - Philosophy, RI General Laws about Divorce | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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