Rhode Island Divorce Tips by Attorney Chris Pearsall

A Lawyer who Hates Lawyers? What is this RI Divorce Lawyer Really Saying?

Today, I am a Rhode Island lawyer focusing my practice on divorce and divorce coaching.  Looking back decades ago I remember another lawyer who had been practicing in another state for some 40+ years who said something that perplexed me.

* * * Remembering the Lawyer who Hated Lawyers! * * *

The lawyer was about as true, honorable, and generous a gentleman as I have ever met.  He had all the qualities I envisioned a good lawyer would have.  He truly cared about each of his clients.  He fought for each one within the bounds of the law, within his professional code of ethics, and with a high degree of morality. The lawyer knew that I greatly admired him as both a person and as a lawyer.

One extremely hot summer afternoon this lawyer returned to his office after losing a district court hearing.  He plopped himself down in the chair at the opposite end of the short conference room table I was sitting at in his office law library.  His secretary nervously brought him a lemonade and napkin then quickly skirted out of the room.  There was an endless silence.  

Finally, I spoke, 

Chris:  "I'm considering becoming a lawyer."

The lawyer lifted his head, wiped his brow with a napkin, grabbed a nearby law book and flung it across his law library breaking the law book's spine.

It was one of the first times I had ever seen this man so upset.

I was quiet until the lawyer spoke.

Lawyer:  I HATE LAWYERS!

This time the pause was endless yet I was just too puzzled not to speak.

Chris:  "I don't understand!?!  You ARE a lawyer."

The lawyer was quiet again, so I asked it as a question.

Chris:  "How can you hate lawyers when you ARE one? 

The lawyer waited quite awhile before speaking.

Lawyer:  Chris, if you're anything like me, you'll understand when you get there. 

The conversation ended.

* * * 20 Years Later We Agree * * *

I've been working in the legal field now for more than 20 years since that conversation.  

As a Rhode Island lawyer, I am bound by a Professional Code of Ethical Conduct among other things.  There are things that I shouldn't say or do and there are things that I can't say or do despite the right to Free Speech guaranteed to all of us by the United States Constitution.  The layperson would be amazed. 

* * * A Message for Roger * * *

For a point of reference only, the lawyer's name was Roger.

Hopefully he's still alive and hopefully he is in tune enough with today's "internet" that he reads this article.

First, to this great lawyer.

Roger, I was like you.  I understand!

* * * A Message for Readers * * *

Now, to my readers I offer this.

You may not understand this statement until you meet with me.

If you like lawyers, you probably won't like me.

With that said, I can tell you that as a Rhode Island Lawyer who has focused my practice exclusively in the area of divorce and family law, I cannot make your problems go away.  No lawyer can!  Yet some lawyers may tell you they can to get you as a client.

Lawyers can't make your problems go away because fundamentally they are your problems.  Only you can take responsibility for those challenges in your life.  Only you truly have the power to resolve those challenges by your decisions.

However, I can tell you that I can help you understand and get through your Rhode Island divorce or family law challenges by working with you either as your Coach or as your Representative.

* * *  Your Divorce Coaching Program * * *

Roger's words were invaluable.  Today, they are the powerful force motivating the continued growth of your Family Law Coaching program.  

I call it Your Program because it is designed specifically for you.  It is designed to teach you, train you, advise you, inform you, and save you time and money in the areas of divorce and family law.

As Your Coaching Program continues to evolve, it will continue to work faster for you, become more economical for you, and become more helpful for you.

Whatever you choose to believe, there is one thing you can know with certainty. I am one lawyer trying to make a difference for YOU with a new and innovative way of practice designed by hard work, my belief that you can do more than you believe you can at this moment, and your willingness to be open to something new that works. 

What can Your Coaching Program help you with?  Here is a brief list . . .

Rhode Island Divorces & Legal Separations, Rhode Island Child Support Establishment, Modifications, Collections and Terminations, Rhode Island Child Custody Matters and Child Custody Modifications, Rhode Island Petitions to Enforced Marital Settlement Agreements and Property Settlement Agreements, Preparing Pre-Nuptual Agreements and Ante-Nuptual Agreements in Rhode Island, RI Petitions to Move Out of State with Minor Children, Petitions to Establish Paternity in Rhode Island, Rhode Island Motions to Adjudge In Contempt and Defense of those Contempt Motions, Protection from Abuse Petitions and Defense Against Such Petitions, Rhode Island Motions and Petitions to Establish, Modify or Terminate Visitation, RI Common Law Divorces and their Defense, Rhode Island Legal Rights, Rhode Island Family Court Procedures, 2nd Opinions about your Attorney on Rhode Island Divorce Cases, Pro Se Representation (i.e. Representing Yourself Appropriately in Family Court), and many more . . . 

Look for the Testimonials Section about Your Coaching Program which is coming soon.  Feel Free to Call Me for a low-cost Coaching Session!

Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall - Phone: (401) 632-6976

Rhode Island Marital Settlement Agreements - Two Major Ways RI Marital Settlement Agreements Can Help You?

Jeremiah and Pamela Rhodes have been married for 23 years.  They own a home in East Providence, Rhode Island and have decided to divorce amicably.  They agree that Jeremiah will file the Petition for Divorce as the Plaintiff in the Providence County Family Court as opposed to the Washington County Family Court which covers Westerly, Rhode Island where Pamela Rhodes is now residing.

Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes expect the divorce to go relatively easily because they have no minor children and they have agreed to the manner in which they will divide all the assets and debts they have accumulated during the course of their marriage.

The terms of the settlement seem very simple to Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes but to be on the safe side they agree that they will each hire experienced Rhode Island divorce attorneys to protect their respective interests because they personally know very little about divorce law.

The Rhodes and their attorneys meet at the office of Mrs. Rhodes' divorce attorney, Jessica Cranston.  Mr. Rhodes and his attorney, Tim Kent arrive on time and they sit together to work out the formalities of the settlement.

By the end of the meeting they resolve their Rhode Island divorce holdings and the parties each have a bulleted list of how they have agreed to divide their marital assets and debts.

Within the next two weeks, the Rhode Island divorce attorneys for both parties draft a detailed Marital Settlement Agreement to be offered to the family court judge as a full joint exhibit at the time of the parties' divorce hearing.  The Marital Settlement Agreement outlines all the foreseeable aspects of the division of marital assets and debts between the parties, including the benefits and consequences for each party in the event of a default in any of the terms by the other party.

** The Jeremiah and Pamela Rhodes Marital Settlement **

 On the date scheduled for their uncontested Rhode Island divorce hearing, the Marital Settlement Agreement is offered to and approved by the Rhode Island family court and the Rhodes' divorce hearing goes through without any difficulty.

Jeremiah and Pamela are both pleased with the results. After the hearing they decide to meet for lunch.  During their lunch conversation they each mention what made them each feel better about the divorce process.

The conversation goes something like this:

Pamela:  Thanks for being so good about our agreement Jerry.  I know I was a bit picky in some spots and my attorney was a bit picky in others.

Jeremiah:  Well, that's why we got the lawyers right?  We each wanted to make sure our interests were protected legally and its no secret that neither of us know about this legal stuff. 

Pamela:  Well, thanks anyway.  My attorney said that this Marital Settlement Agreement was the key to a good hearing.  Frankly if that would make the hearing easier then I'm all for it.  I was a nervous wreck about this whole idea of having a hearing and testifying under oath with god knows who in the courtroom.

Jeremiah:  It worked out pretty good though don't you think?

Pamela:  It went great.  If I knew our Marital Settlement Agreement was going to make it that easy then I wouldn't have been nervous at all.  I could have saved a mint on all the coffee I drank. I was a nervous wreck over this damn hearing.

Jeremiah:  Would you rather have testified first? [ Jerry gently laughs and shakes his head ]

Pamela:  No way!  Just the few questions I was asked seemed to last forever and they were just a minute or two.  You had the tough stuff.

Jeremiah:  Tough stuff?  I don't even think we had any tough stuff because of that agreement.  Did you see that couple that the judge took before us?  Geez, they didn't have a Marital Settlement Agreement worked out at all and they had the judge fuming because they were all over the place.

Pamela:  Yeah, I think that made me even more nervous because they had lawyers too.  I was thinking that the judge was going to chew us up and spit us out for brunch after telling them to go out into the hallway and figure out what they were doing and then they could come back in.  [ Pam laughs nervously . . ]

Jeremiah:  Yeah, I know what you mean.  I'm just glad we had that Marital Settlement Agreement done.

Pamela:  What do you think made things easier for you?

Jeremiah:  Well, without trying to sound to cheap, it was having that Marital Settlement Agreement done.  My lawyer charges a lot more per hour for court time and because we had that Marital Settlement Agreement did you notice we didn't have to talk about [ counting on his fingers ] First, the sale of the house, Second the Division of the Equitable Proceeds, Third, the payment of the sale expenses, Fourth the time we had to get our stuff out, Fifth, what happens if either of us doesn't abide by the agreement, and. . .  ah hell you know all that stuff  [ Jerry is laughing, shaking his head in his hands with elbows on the table]

Pamela:  Yeah I know.  [ Chuckling . . .]  We would have been there answering questions for two weeks if we tried to explain all that to the judge.  

Jeremiah:  Instead, we just had to confirm that we both made an agreement about all our debts and assets and the lawyers asked the judge to approve it.  Like I said before, I don't want to sound cheap but that agreement shortened our hearing from . . . . I don't know . . . several hours at least . . . to a measly 10 minutes or so.  That might have saved me more than $800.

Pamela:  Oh I'm with you there.  My attorney charges more for court time too so I didn't mind at all that our court time was only 10 minutes.  That agreement was definitely the way to go.

Jeremiah:  So do we actually agree on two more things without our lawyers, Pam?

Pamela:  What do you mean?

[The waitress brings their luncheon drinks.  They each take their own drink.]

Jeremiah:  We actually agree that our Marital Settlement Agreement saved us tremendous time and aggravation in court and saved us both money.  Am I right?

Pamela: [ Tilting her head slightly and smiling. ] We are in definite agreement Mr. Rhodes!

Jeremiah:  [ Jerry raises his glass to toast. ]    To US then! 

Pamela:  [ Clinking her glass to Jerry's while pausing and smiling ] . . . But it will still cost you lunch, Jerry.

Jeremiah:  Deal!

[. . . They both break into laughter as lunch is delivered. ]

Disclaimer:  This is a hypothetical scenario. Any resemblance in the names of the parties, attorneys or circumstances contained herein to any persons known or otherwise thought to exist in reality is purely coincidental is merely in the imagination of the reader has no relationship to any persons, litigants, attorneys or circumstances in actual existence.

Authored By:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Attorney-at-Law

Rhode Island's Full-Time Divorce* Lawyer is Now
Rhode Island's Only Divorce and Family Law Coach!!

Discover the Tremendous Benefits You Receive by 

Participating in Family Law Coaching Sessions!

Consider using the RhodeIslandDivorceCoach.com

Call (401) 632-6976 Now
to
Schedule Your Low-Cost Rhode Island Divorce* or Family Law* Coaching Session!

Experience the Difference!

Copyright 2009.  Christopher A. Pearsall, Esquire
 Offering Rhode Island Rhode Island Divorce and Family Law Coaching for a New Millenium!

* The Rhode Island Supreme Court licenses all attorneys in the general practice of law.  There is no recognition for specialization of attorneys in any area of law.

- - Recommended Websites - -

Pearsall.net | AttorneyPearsall.com | Rhode Island Divorce Tips | ChristopherPearsall.com | GuaranteedWealth.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorney | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer | ChrisPearsall.com | LegalScholar.com | Pearsall-Law-Associates.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorneys | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyers | Rhode Island Divorce Coach  |  RI Divorce Coach | RI Divorce Lawyer on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Coach on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer on Facebook.com | Rhode Island Home Buying Tips | Attorney Chris Pearsall at LawGuru.com

The Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer discusses divorce increases, today's surge in bankruptcy filings and an approach that may help you to cope!

It's no secret that the national economy is hurting and so are many marriages.  I have no doubt that the only thing that is stopping the divorce rate from escalating out of control is the lack of funds to file for bankruptcy.  The other factor that seems prevalent from is the tenacity of many Americans to characterize themselves as "deadbeats" when they find themselves in a financial predictament that calls for a bankruptcy filing.  The resistance of the individual to see himself or herself as a "deadbeat" for not living up to his or her obligations and the stigma that today's credit reporting attaches to it are probably the sole limiting factors which slow the acceleration of the rapidly advancing divorce rate.

Financial difficulties are no doubt a huge contributor to pressures within the family unit and result in considerable dissention within the family unit.  It is unfortunate that rather than bring the typiclal family unit together in a unified bond, financial lack almost invariably causes disruption, stress and pressure that tear the family apart.

The fact is, divorce filings have consistently been  rising while the economy and jobless rate has increased together with the bankruptcy filings throughout the country.

Is there a particular answer to save the American Family?  

No answer, suggestion, or proposal that is likely to work for every family, every marriage or every financial predictament.  To think otherwise is utopian and unrealistic at best.  However, an understanding the perspective of divorce and financial situations leading to bankruptcies may help readers to deal with the their unique situations by gleaning a new insight.

The breakdown of any marriage leading to divorce is, generally speaking, a breakdown in the components that came together to comprise that family unit to begin with.  For some couples, a marriage is built upon idealistic notions of change in their partner and hopes that their partner would change for them or would "grow" with them as I have heard too often.  Most of these unspoken expectations may be unrealistic and unspoken.   Keeping such a marriage together may require a party to simply enter counseling and return to a path in which they each have a realistic view of the relationship as it exists and as it may move forward.

For other couples, a marriage may be based upon financial securities perceived by the parties.  To the extent that either party diverges from the financial expectations of the other so that they no longer feel financially insecure, one party may believe that the underlying financial structure that formed the marital union has broken down.  This could be the result from one partner losing his or her job in a declining economy and being unable to obtain work despite efforts to do so.  In such a "financially based" marital relationship, the downfall of the marriage almost certainly lies in the failure of one party to hold up his or her financial end of what is perceived as the marital obligation to provide the trust and security that the financial illusion provides in the marriage.

It is disappointing that in the foregoing type of scenario, that the financial loss that takes place is seen more of a destroyer in the relationship and a breakdown of trust rather than the powerful factor that it could be for the unification of the couple.

Ultimately, in almost every relationship financial struggles place stresses on the parties.  Today, those stresses have led to increased bankruptcy filings and "for better or for worse" relegates itself to nothing more than "for better or until finances become too much for us."

It is in today's economy that financial woes are forcing couples to a financial shortage that pushes people to their emotional brink in their personal relationships and warrants the filing of bankruptcy.  It is in this light that I offer perspectives that I hope people will take to heart to save their marriage and to file for bankruptcy if necessary.

Family is more than finances.  Family is relationships, closeness, trust, reliance, love and an abundance of other factors that are so remote from finances that it is amazing that tough financial situations bring families to divorce.  

When you marry someone, hopefully you consider marrying him or her for the right reasons.  Marriage is a union of people, as they are and who they are.  It is not, nor was it ever intended to be a union of unexpressed expectations that neither party knows about and neither party knows how to achieve.  Marriage should not be the union of one person to another based upon the expectations of what you hope or expect the other spouse to become.  Marriage is in the "now" and each day is a new "now" that the parties should endeavor to deal with as a couple.

Though there are certainly divorce lawyers, marriage counselors and relationship therapists who I am quite sure would disagree with me, a divorce is not necessarily a failure.  This is a perception that I urge others to consider.  Practically speaking, in our lives we are required to make countless decisions.  Some of these decisions are more important than others and have a greater impact in our life.  Of these decisions, marriage is most assuredly one of the more significant.  Yet this decision may be made amidst underlying religious beliefs, family expectations, financial considerations and especially emotional feelings.  To expect that an individual of any age can make such a decision to be kept as a happy and healthy contract for life with dedication to one person as his or her soulmate, without the chance of mistake is to some extent unrealistic.

To my thinking, divorce is not a failure.  Rather, it is an understanding of a decision to marry that only time and experience could reveal was not optimal for one or both of the parties involved in the marriage.  I offer for your consideration, that divorce is merely the legal process by which a person who having the fortitude, understanding and wisdom to realize that the union of the two individuals as soulmates forever results in two unhappy individuals if the marriage is not dissolved. 

Divorce, then, is only a mistake when parties cease to ignore the practicalities and recognition that the separation of the union of marriage is not a matter of blame as to either party or a failure of the marital relationship, but simply a realization that the relationship does not work properly because it does not work for one of the other of the parties.  Divorce, truly is only a failure when a party takes it personally, allows himself or herself to be consumed by emotional controversy and fails to learn from the experience so that he or she can benefit from this relationship experience in their continuing life.

Recently I was listening to a divorce podcast in which a divorcing woman was talking with another woman who asked her how she viewed her divorce.  I found it quite enlightening from the perspective of a divorce lawyer.  It went something like this.  One woman said to the other "The divorce was difficult."  The other woman paused, and said to the first woman " Yeah, I mean but are we as women spoked to do.  We just have to cope.  Your marriage was broken.  What did you do?"  The first woman paused and said, "Yes, my marriage was broken.  So I did the only thing I could do to move on.  I fixed it!  I got divorced!"  

This is perhaps one of the best expressions of divorce I have heard.  Another woman said, " I don't think of it as a divorce, I think of it as a really good house cleaning."  It is this type of positive response thinking that makes for better decisions in the future, better relationships for the person making the statement and a better life if a soulmate decision is made again.

Another change in perspective is that of bankruptcy as a "deadbeat" situation in which we duck out on our obligations.  Truly, much of everything we accept in our life is a matter of perspective which is merely looking at the situation from another side.

Bankruptcy laws were created to give people a "new start", if and when they every got so far in debt that it was not reasonably possible to make good on all financial obligations and continue to achieve a reasonable standard of living.  The question is one of whether you and your spouse deserve a new start.  Those who are too critical of themselves may say so.  Yet with couples, it is the couple that needs to access their needs in life and each spouse may not be in agreement.  Stresses rise and the family unit may crumble from family dissention rather than a unification caused by the lack of financial capital needed to meet all your obligations.

We all have good intentions but it is important in our perceptions to understand that life is often outside of our control.  When you have a good job and you are downsized by your company during an economic downturn, this is not in your control and it is counter to your intentions and it is, for all purposes, outside your control.  All it takes is one difficult and unexpected change in your family's financial situation to cause marital stress, family disharmony, and bankruptcy type qualifications.

The increases in divorce filings is due in no small part to the directly proportional financial drains and stresses caused by the economic drains throughout the country, many of which lead to bankruptcy.   

Perspective is everything.  Marriage is a huge decision and one that can rarely be made with certainty in knowing your spouse is your soulmate.  Divorce merely provides a legal means of a margin of error.  To provide that we make no errors in such decisions would be farsical.  Only a divorce without learning something from the relationship to better your life truly leads us to failure.  If we learn nothing from an experience, then that experience was a wasted endeavor.

As to bankruptcy, there comes a time when we all must realize that there are things outside our control and those things affect our lives, our dreams, our goals and our expectations for the future, when these uncontrollable items affect our lives the law has provided a means by which we learn more about our finances and are given a fresh start.  This fresh start is not without its penalties by reports to credit bureaus to rebuild once again, but it is far from the deadbeat's escape that many believe it to be.  

If it is necessary to help you move on and preserve your divorce, consider the "new start" offered by federal bankruptcy law.  If this provides no consolation, consider that divorce is likewise an opportunity to realize that when you have not picked the right spouse that matches your life as your "soulmate" out of the millions of people in the world, that divorce affords your a legal "fix-it" that allows you a "new start".

Neither divorce nor bankruptcy is bad.  It is merely our perspective that makes it such.

Authored By:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Attorney-at-Law

Rhode Island's Full-Time Divorce* Lawyer is Now
Rhode Island's Only Divorce and Family Law Coach!!

Discover the Tremendous Benefits You Receive by 

Participating in Family Law Coaching Sessions!

Consider using the RhodeIslandDivorceCoach.com

Call (401) 632-6976 Now
to
Schedule Your Low-Cost Rhode Island Divorce* or Family Law* Coaching Session!

Experience the Difference!

Copyright 2009.  Christopher A. Pearsall, Esquire
 Offering Rhode Island Rhode Island Divorce and Family Law Coaching for a New Millenium!

* The Rhode Island Supreme Court licenses all attorneys in the general practice of law.  There is no recognition for specialization of attorneys in any area of law.

- - Recommended Websites - -

Pearsall.net | AttorneyPearsall.com | Rhode Island Divorce Tips | ChristopherPearsall.com | GuaranteedWealth.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorney | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer | ChrisPearsall.com | LegalScholar.com | Pearsall-Law-Associates.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorneys | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyers | Rhode Island Divorce Coach  |  RI Divorce Coach | RI Divorce Lawyer on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Coach on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer on Facebook.com | Rhode Island Home Buying Tips | Attorney Chris Pearsall at LawGuru.com

Rhode Island Divorces: Divorcing with Dignity

How do you want your Rhode Island Divorce to proceed?  Yes, I'm serious. 

Most Rhode Islanders in divorce situations don't even take the time to consider this question, let alone realize the amount of power they have to determine the course their divorce will take.

Whether you try to handle your own divorce or hire a divorce attorney to help you through your family law matter, YOU should be the driving force behind the course of your divorce. 

Most divorcing persons fail to realize that the hiring of a family law attorney or the filing of a divorce personally is only the very first step in directing the course of your case.

Let's assume you hire an attorney to represent your legal interests in a divorce case.  In this instance let's say that you wish to be amicable with your spouse.  Your attorney prepares all the paperwork necessary to file for your divorce and tells you that you just need to come in to sign it.  You go into the office and sign all the documents as your attorney assures you that all the documents are court forms with standard language.  You sign the documents and the divorce is filed.  You have assured your spouse that you plan to be fair in the divorce and not ask for anything unreasonable.

Your spouse gets served with the divorce papers and reads your divorce complaint.  A few days later your spouse calls you on your cel phone.  Your spouse screams "I can't believe you asked for sole custody of the kids in this divorce.  That's not reasonable.  So you don't think I can parent the kids?  Okay, fine.  All bets are off.  I'm getting a divorce lawyer and I'm fighting you every step of the way."

You are a bit dumbfounded because you didn't get to say a word about the divorce before your spouse hangs up on you.  Quickly you pull out your divorce complaint and read it.  It does, in fact, contain wording that asks for sole custody of the minor children.  You immediately call your attorney and ask why that language was included.  You remind the attorney that you told the attorney you wanted joint custody of the children.  The attorney tells you sole custody is a standard request for relief and it is his practice to ask for sole custody as a negotiating point to settle the divorce.  The attorney tells you that he is sorry but he expected you not to sign the complaint if the language wasn't acceptable.

In this instance, if this truly were YOUR divorce, you would have surrendered your power to direct your divorce to your attorney simply because you didn't read the divorce complaint and make sure that it is truly what you were seeking and not simply a matter of how this particular attorney practices.  By doing this your spouse is now furious and is no longer in a reasonable state of mind to simply sit down and talk and negotiate amicably.  Your spouse will now retain an attorney and potentially surrender additional power to another attorney who enters the picture, costs more of the marital money, and may redirect the divorce in a manner that will destroy your whole family structure.

A Rhode Island Divorce can be conducted where both parties retain control of the primary decision making power regarding what is to be done in their divorce, remain calm, think practically and, in doing so, both parties retain their dignity.

Authored by:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Esquire
PEARSALL LAW ASSOCIATES
571 Pontiac Avenue
Cranston, RI  02910
Phone:  (401) 354-2369

Attorney Pearsall's practice is focused almost exclusively in the areas of Divorce and Family law.

NOTE:  The postings on this website are NOT legal advice, DO NOT create an attorney/client relationship and are NOT a substitute for a detailed consultation with an attorney experienced in the state where you have your legal issue.  This site is based on Rhode Island and is presented for the convenience of the internet public.

* The Rhode Island Supreme Court licenses all lawyers in the general practice of law and has no procedure for recognition of specialty in any area of law.

Rhode Island Divorce - Dating and When to Start

Though I am a Rhode Island Divorce Attorney, you don't have to have any experience in law whatsoever to know your own heart.  Now, let me preface this article by saying that I am not advocating dating before your divorce is finalized.  In fact, depending upon which judge you go before in the Rhode Island Family Court System, their philosophies on adultery vary and it could very well affect the outcome of your divorce in more ways than one.

Consider the case below:

Brad and Linda are getting divorced.  Brad files for divorce and Linda files a counter-claim for divorce both in March of 2008.  They have two children, both girls, namely Gretta who is 12 and Lisa who is 10.  Due to the constant arguing Brad moves out of the house and goes to stay with family members.  Immediately Brad is seen by his daughters as the "bad guy" because he filed for divorce and because he left the house.  Linda is very angry about the divorce and hires an attorney who causes the divorce to drag on for months.  It is now July 2008 and the divorce has been pending for about five months.   Brad meets up with a young lady while bowling with a friend one evening and they become friends.   The relationship quickly escalates into a dating relationship and as the divorce continues to drag on Brad ends up sleeping with his new girlfriend and then moves in with her.

Linda’s attorney files a Motion to Amend her counterclaim for divorce to a divorce based on adultery.  Brad's attorney objects, however the motion is granted.

In this particular case, family law attorneys differ in the advice they would give. 

Some attorneys would counsel Brad not to date anyone or get involved with a new relationship until the divorce is complete.  Other attorneys would advise Brad that any relationship he has with any other woman, regardless if intercourse is involved, should be discreet.  Finally, other attorneys would advise that a casual relationship with a female is acceptable as long as it is discreet and Brad does not have intercourse with another woman until after the Final Judgment of Divorce has entered.

These varying pieces of advice arise because an opposing party could use the information to make Brad look like a cheater and not worth trusting.  This of course could affect the credibility of Brad's testimony before the court.  The argument could also be made that this new woman in Brad's life was the cause of the breakdown of the marriage and therefore Brad should get a lesser apportionment of the marital assets or a greater assignment of the marital debts.

As individuals, we often follow our heart and not simply the practical advice of our attorneys.  The heart does not know the of the law and frankly doesn't care. 

Divorce is generally the division of a relationship that doesn't work and involves two unhappy hearts.  It is human nature that we all strive for happiness and avoid unhappiness.  Many times the very fact that we have machinations such as the divorce process is a testament to the fact that legal mechanisms exist to allow us to continue with our lives separate and apart from the other person we married. 

As individuals, our journey to find happiness may not necessarily follow the same timeline as the court's divorce schedule.  With divorce hearings that may be prolonged and cause a person to be married to another person much longer than they wish to be married to that person, is it any wonder that there is a varying moral standard among many individuals about what is "cheating" on your spouse and even "when" it is considered "cheating" on your spouse.

If Brad separates from his wife for 6 months while they try to save their marriage and he comes to the conclusion the marriage is not going to work, and then he sleeps with another woman the following month, has he cheated on his wife?

If Brad files for divorce and not intending to he falls in love 3 months later and sleeps with the woman, has he cheated on his wife?

Is cheating a matter of law or a matter of the heart?

If Brad’s heart no longer has love for his wife but he finds another person he cares for, can he be considered cheating at all?

If cheating is based upon his wife Linda’s continued love for him and they get divorced and Brad finds someone else as Linda continues to pine for him, is Brad cheating?

These are but questions to ponder for those faced with these situations.

Authored by:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Esquire
PEARSALL LAW ASSOCIATES
571 Pontiac Avenue
Cranston, RI  02910
Phone:  (401) 354-2369

NOTE:  The postings on this website are NOT legal advice, DO NOT create an attorney/client relationship and are NOT a substitute for a detailed consultation with an attorney experienced in the state where you have your legal issue.  This site is presented for the convenience of the internet public.

* The Rhode Island Supreme Court licenses all lawyers in the general practice of law and has no procedure for recognition of specialty in any area of law.