Rhode Island Divorce Tips by Attorney Chris Pearsall

A Lawyer who Hates Lawyers? What is this RI Divorce Lawyer Really Saying?

Today, I am a Rhode Island lawyer focusing my practice on divorce and divorce coaching.  Looking back decades ago I remember another lawyer who had been practicing in another state for some 40+ years who said something that perplexed me.

* * * Remembering the Lawyer who Hated Lawyers! * * *

The lawyer was about as true, honorable, and generous a gentleman as I have ever met.  He had all the qualities I envisioned a good lawyer would have.  He truly cared about each of his clients.  He fought for each one within the bounds of the law, within his professional code of ethics, and with a high degree of morality. The lawyer knew that I greatly admired him as both a person and as a lawyer.

One extremely hot summer afternoon this lawyer returned to his office after losing a district court hearing.  He plopped himself down in the chair at the opposite end of the short conference room table I was sitting at in his office law library.  His secretary nervously brought him a lemonade and napkin then quickly skirted out of the room.  There was an endless silence.  

Finally, I spoke, 

Chris:  "I'm considering becoming a lawyer."

The lawyer lifted his head, wiped his brow with a napkin, grabbed a nearby law book and flung it across his law library breaking the law book's spine.

It was one of the first times I had ever seen this man so upset.

I was quiet until the lawyer spoke.

Lawyer:  I HATE LAWYERS!

This time the pause was endless yet I was just too puzzled not to speak.

Chris:  "I don't understand!?!  You ARE a lawyer."

The lawyer was quiet again, so I asked it as a question.

Chris:  "How can you hate lawyers when you ARE one? 

The lawyer waited quite awhile before speaking.

Lawyer:  Chris, if you're anything like me, you'll understand when you get there. 

The conversation ended.

* * * 20 Years Later We Agree * * *

I've been working in the legal field now for more than 20 years since that conversation.  

As a Rhode Island lawyer, I am bound by a Professional Code of Ethical Conduct among other things.  There are things that I shouldn't say or do and there are things that I can't say or do despite the right to Free Speech guaranteed to all of us by the United States Constitution.  The layperson would be amazed. 

* * * A Message for Roger * * *

For a point of reference only, the lawyer's name was Roger.

Hopefully he's still alive and hopefully he is in tune enough with today's "internet" that he reads this article.

First, to this great lawyer.

Roger, I was like you.  I understand!

* * * A Message for Readers * * *

Now, to my readers I offer this.

You may not understand this statement until you meet with me.

If you like lawyers, you probably won't like me.

With that said, I can tell you that as a Rhode Island Lawyer who has focused my practice exclusively in the area of divorce and family law, I cannot make your problems go away.  No lawyer can!  Yet some lawyers may tell you they can to get you as a client.

Lawyers can't make your problems go away because fundamentally they are your problems.  Only you can take responsibility for those challenges in your life.  Only you truly have the power to resolve those challenges by your decisions.

However, I can tell you that I can help you understand and get through your Rhode Island divorce or family law challenges by working with you either as your Coach or as your Representative.

* * *  Your Divorce Coaching Program * * *

Roger's words were invaluable.  Today, they are the powerful force motivating the continued growth of your Family Law Coaching program.  

I call it Your Program because it is designed specifically for you.  It is designed to teach you, train you, advise you, inform you, and save you time and money in the areas of divorce and family law.

As Your Coaching Program continues to evolve, it will continue to work faster for you, become more economical for you, and become more helpful for you.

Whatever you choose to believe, there is one thing you can know with certainty. I am one lawyer trying to make a difference for YOU with a new and innovative way of practice designed by hard work, my belief that you can do more than you believe you can at this moment, and your willingness to be open to something new that works. 

What can Your Coaching Program help you with?  Here is a brief list . . .

Rhode Island Divorces & Legal Separations, Rhode Island Child Support Establishment, Modifications, Collections and Terminations, Rhode Island Child Custody Matters and Child Custody Modifications, Rhode Island Petitions to Enforced Marital Settlement Agreements and Property Settlement Agreements, Preparing Pre-Nuptual Agreements and Ante-Nuptual Agreements in Rhode Island, RI Petitions to Move Out of State with Minor Children, Petitions to Establish Paternity in Rhode Island, Rhode Island Motions to Adjudge In Contempt and Defense of those Contempt Motions, Protection from Abuse Petitions and Defense Against Such Petitions, Rhode Island Motions and Petitions to Establish, Modify or Terminate Visitation, RI Common Law Divorces and their Defense, Rhode Island Legal Rights, Rhode Island Family Court Procedures, 2nd Opinions about your Attorney on Rhode Island Divorce Cases, Pro Se Representation (i.e. Representing Yourself Appropriately in Family Court), and many more . . . 

Look for the Testimonials Section about Your Coaching Program which is coming soon.  Feel Free to Call Me for a low-cost Coaching Session!

Attorney Christopher A. Pearsall - Phone: (401) 632-6976

If Your Rhode Island Divorce is Uncontested, do you need a Divorce Lawyer?

As a lawyer who has focused my practice in the area of Rhode Island Divorce law for the past decade, one would think that my answer to this question would be "Yes."

However, in the world of law, divorce and courtrooms things are not always as clear cut as we would like them to be.

Consider this Rhode Island Divorce Example that I came up with as I write this article which will develop more as a stream of consciousness than a well planned out and upscale legal article.

* * * Divorce Example of Bristol, Rhode Island Couple Virginia and Aaron  * * *

Virginia and Aaron have been married for 7 years.  They have 3 minor children.  Virginia works part-time because they don't make enough income to afford full-time childcare costs for both of them to work full-time.  As a couple Virginia and Aaron merely get by from week to week, paycheck to paycheck.  Like many couples, financial struggles have torn them apart as husband and wife and Virginia now wants a divorce because she wanted more out of life and doesn't seem to be finding it with Aaron. 

Virginia has never filed for divorce before and doesn't know anything about Rhode Island law or Rhode Island Divorce procedure.  Virginia speaks with 7 lawyers who offer free consultations and after about 30 minutes of their time quote her between $1,500 and $3,500 for their retainers and hourly rates from $175 per hour to $300 per hour.

If Virginia and Aaron agree on their divorce issues, do they need a divorce lawyer?  Legally speaking, one or the other of them really should get some competent legal advice to get through their divorce in the easiest manner possible.

* * * Rhode Island Divorce Lessons * * *

So what is the greatest issue here?  It's the age old problem of MONEY!  Lawyers want and need to get paid for their services.  I can tell you that lawyers services are, in fact, valuable.  The depth of information that a lawyer is expected to know in any field of law requires life-long learning and exposes us to daily liability for every word the comes out of our mouths.  Sometimes I even regret telling people that I'm a lawyer at a social engagement because invariably someone wants to just "run something by me" to "get my thoughts".  It can be very difficult to avoid offending the person and avoid giving my "thoughts" which the person might consider as legal advice and act on.  The next thing you know, the person does something crazy with the tiny information I gave them and now I am called "their lawyer" and I gave them "legal advice".  This is precisely why few if any divorce lawyers in Rhode Island (other than my new Coaching Program) make it a practice to offer anything other than a "one size fits all" proposition to prospective new clients.

As Virginia learned, if you aren't prepared to come up with a decent lump sum of money that the attorney can bill against against at whatever rate the attorney feels he or she is worth then you are out of luck.  Attorneys doing piece meal work are hard to find and attorneys who are willing to take your case on a pro bono basis are even harder because of the huge demand and pressures already placed on attorneys to perform pro bono work each year regardless of whether their practice may be thriving or just treading water due to increased expenses or other economic factors.

So for Virginia and Aaron, do they absolutely NEED a divorce lawyer?  No, they don't.  Why, because practically speaking Virginia already knows that she and her husband can't afford the least expensive lawyer they could find and Virginia has already discovered that they waiting line for pro bono attorneys is exceptionally long. 

So what do you do if you are in Virginia and Aaron's position?  You do what you have to do, right?  Isn't that what we do when things get tough?  Don't most of us just get out there and do what needs to get done when we have to for our benefit and for major life decisions. Yes, that's exactly what we do.

So, Virginia and Aaron, could you do this on your own?  Yes, you could.  You could do your homework on the internet, at the nearest law library and even find time to go to court and watch a few cases to see how things work.  Will you be as prepared?  Maybe not. It may depend upon how much effort you put into finding out how to do things.

Will you get your divorce paperwork back from the Rhode Island Family court with it all filed correctly?  Maybe not the first time.  However, f it's rejected the family court clerks will usually give you some kind of indication of what didn't quite make the grade or what was missing. 

However, If the Rhode Island Family Court clerks don't tell you how to fill out the forms, how to correct them, or why they need to be filled out in a certain way, it's simply because they are prevented from doing so.  They are not your attorney and they are not allowed to advise you because the vast majority of them are not attorneys and since they work for the State of Rhode Island it may expose them and the State of Rhode Island to liability if you misunderstand what they tell you or if they leave out something without knowing that it applies to your situation. 

So if you are going to execute your constitutional right to represent yourself and handle your divorce on your own, you take the risk as well and you should plan on some bumps in the road.  You're on your own unless you get some legal advice or coaching to help you through this process. There may be only minor bumps in your divorce proceeding if you get lucky.  There may be bumps in the road that are so large that you can't even get through a successful hearing because you don't understand what is required by law or by the court's procedure.

So the question is better phrased like this, Am I required to have a lawyer represent me in my Rhode Island Divorce?  NO!  I've seen plenty of people represent themselves in divorces.  They've gone from A to Z and received their divorce decree without a lawyer preparing their forms or showing up in court with them. 

Now, if one couple can make it through an uncomplicated and straightforward divorce between two amicable and agreeable spouses, then, the question is... Can you do it?  It is certainly possible. I know that with my assistance and coaching I've been able to coach as many as 100 couples in a single year to go through their own divorces successfully and spend only a fraction of what it costs to hire even the least expensive lawyer such as the one Virginia came across.

In most Rhode Island divorce situations that are uncontested about the majority of Rhode Island divorce issues, do you need a representational lawyer who does everything for you and goes to court with you?  In my opinion, people who fall into this category don't need it. 

If you fall into that category it is best if you approach your divorce as a learning experience.  Your strength will be found in realizing that there are certain procedures and issues under Rhode Island law that must be addressed.  Once you identify the Rhode Island procedures and legal issues and you represent yourself, you need to take personal responsibility for everything that goes along with representing yourself, that includes your outcome, any setbacks and any problems you encounter. 

Remember that representing yourself means that you are the boss.  You call the shots.  You are responsible for everything you say and do and the end result that your actions produce.  If you do happen to get help in the form of coaching, the coach doesn't call the shots, the coach isn't standing in the courtroom and the coach has merely provided you with guidance based upon his or her experience.  Judgment calls and execution of either legal advice from an attorney you have formally retained in the courtroom are the attorney's discretion and he or she takes responsibility for that and for any glaring mistakes he or she makes in your representation.  Keep in mind that this is why attorneys are paid for their experience and expertise to prepare documents, give you direct advice on what to do and also represent you in court.  The same is not true when you represent yourself.  In that case, you are your own attorney and you are expected to know the ins and outs of things as if you were an attorney licensed to practice divorce law in Rhode Island.

Even an experienced Rhode Island Divorce lawyer who is helping you in the manner of a "coach" by instructing you and teaching you in a general fashion can't anticipate everything you will encounter.  If you don't handle documents or issues properly then it is entirely possible that your divorce might plummet to the ground like a flaming plane crashing before it reaches the end of the runway when a person represents him or herself and does so in such a poor manner that the judge dismisses your divorce case. 

So, what does that mean for you because you didn't seek professional help from anyone?  Let's see . . you have (1) paid a wasted filing fee of $120 that is paid to the Rhode Island Family Courts, (2) you have paid a constable's fee of $55 or so; (3) you have created an angry family court judge, (4) you have experienced personal frustration and possible embarrassment, and (5) worse yet you may have to spend the time and money going through the process all over again from the start.

Do you need a Rhode Island Divorce lawyer?  "NEED" is a subjective term.  Ideally we should all have a divorce attorney to protect our interests in a Rhode Island divorce proceeding if we can afford one.  Practically speaking, not everyone has the money to hire an attorney.

Ultimately, you are not required to have an attorney.  You have the right to represent yourself and you can do it if you have to.... and successfully too.  Do I advocate that you do it without ANY professional help?  NO, not unless you are going to take the amount of time that many of us have taken as lawyers to study the law for years, keep up on case law and appear before the family court judges on a regular basis.  

Keep in mind that as Rhode Island lawyers focusing a practice in divorce, you earn the ins and outs of the court system that aren't found in any book, law, order, procedure or in anything other than experience.  That's something that a coach might impart in a coaching session, but it's not something you will get unless you hire the attorney outright or hire a coach to help you based upon what you can afford. 

Are there complex issues in your divorce? If there are, you should know about it by seeking the advice of a divorce lawyer and/or Rhode Island Divorce Coach to identify those issues.  Then you can consider whether the issues are beyond what you feel what you are capable of addressing and go from there. 

When could more complex issues Rhode Island arise?  That's a question for another day.

* * * A Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer / Coach Suggestion * * *

My suggestion . . . get some type of legal advice in the form of a Rhode Island Divorce Coaching Session or an advice session before you decide that you are going to handle your own divorce.  Why?  Well, frankly, sometimes you just can't afford not to be without a lawyer if there is more at stake regarding your rights, your assets, your debts and especially any children you may have as in the case of Virginia and Aaron.

Authored By:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Attorney-at-Law

Rhode Island's Full-Time Divorce* Lawyer is Now
Rhode Island's Only Divorce and Family Law Coach!!

Discover the Tremendous Benefits You Receive by 

Participating in Family Law Coaching Sessions!

Visit the RhodeIslandDivorceCoach.com

Call (401) 632-6976 Now
to
Schedule Your Low-Cost Rhode Island Divorce* or Family Law* Coaching Session!

Experience the Difference!

Copyright 2007 to Present.  Christopher A. Pearsall, Esquire
 Offering Rhode Island Rhode Island Divorce and Family Law Coaching for a New Millenium!

* The Rhode Island Supreme Court licenses all attorneys in the general practice of law.  The court does not license or certify any lawyer as an expert or specialist in any particular field of practice.

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Rhode Island Divorce Settlements: The Top Two Things that Prevent Divorce Settlements!

Many things can prevent a Rhode Island Divorce Case from settling.  In fact, while I cannot speak for all attorneys in other states I tend to believe that people and attorneys do not differ that much from state to state.  With that in mind, these may, in fact, be the top two things that prevent divorces from settling on a national basis.

* The 2nd Greatest Thing that Prevents Divorce Settlements *

In my Rhode Island divorce practice, experience has taught me that "anger" is the second greatest contributor to the inability of parties, with or without attorneys, to reach a reasonable settlement in a divorce.

While divorce often evokes a plethora of emotions in one or both parties in a marriage, none seem as prominent or as powerful to delay and prolong the resolution of the divorce as "anger."  The anger may stem from any number of things ranging from a suddenly discovered long-term affair to a drug or gambling addiction and more.   As a divorce attorney I leave the treatment of a parties' anger to psychologists and therapists better equipped to address and treat its source and help divorcing parties deal with their mental and emotional dilemmas.

However, there is no doubt that as a divorce lawyer, I (and my colleagues) deal with the effects that the anger of either party has on the divorce proceeding.  These effects range from emotion filled meetings with angry clients who feel cheated and betrayed by their spouse to the vindictive decisions or actions of an opposing spouse with an outright desire to injure the other spouse emotionally or even physically.  

Divorce settlements are often prevented by the anger of one spouse at the other spouse.  Usually this takes the form of one or both spouses making demands in the settlement of their marriage that in some way justify the party's feelings or otherwise vindicate the spouse in some way by gaining more in the way of an apportionment of assets or less in the way of an assignment of marital debt.  Simply put this becomes a matter of getting something that makes the spouse feel that he or she "won" in some way over the other spouse.

In truth, there are no real winners in such a situation.  The anger merely costs the parties more physical, mental and emotional turmoil than is necessary and the attorneys make more money while the parties have less money in the end for their own needs.  

Even if one party views the divorce trial or settlement as a "win", it is merely an illusion.  No one wins in a divorce.  The only way to truly win is to resolve the issues you have at present and move on to a new and different future without the other person as your spouse.

Click the Rhode Island Divorce Tips link below to continue reading about:

 

Rhode Island Divorce Settlements:

The Two Greatest Things that Prevent Divorce Settlements

Authored By:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Attorney-at-Law

Rhode Island's Full-Time Divorce* Lawyer is Now
Rhode Island's Only Divorce and Family Law Coach!!

Discover the Tremendous Benefits You Receive by 

Participating in Family Law Coaching Sessions!

Consider using the RhodeIslandDivorceCoach.com

Call (401) 632-6976 Now
to
Schedule Your Low-Cost Rhode Island Divorce* or Family Law* Coaching Session!

Experience the Difference!

Copyright 2009.  Christopher A. Pearsall, Esquire
 Offering Divorce and Family Law Coaching for a New Millenium!

* Rhode Island licenses all attorneys in the general practice of law.

- - Recommended Websites - -

Pearsall.net | AttorneyPearsall.com | Rhode Island Divorce Tips | ChristopherPearsall.com | GuaranteedWealth.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorney | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer | ChrisPearsall.com | LegalScholar.com | Pearsall-Law-Associates.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorneys | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyers | Rhode Island Divorce Coach  |  RI Divorce Coach | RI Divorce Lawyer on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Coach on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer on Facebook.com | Rhode Island Home Buying Tips | 

A Question for the Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer about a Concealed Divorce Judgment

QUESTION:  

My ex-husband kept the information from me that we have actually been divorced since 2008 from me. During all that time till now he had me thinking we are still married so I have been working on our marriage.  I want to know if i can sue him because of this.
 

ANSWER: 

In order to obtain a Final Judgment of divorce in Rhode Island, your ex-husband had to serve with the divorce papers in a way that was sufficient to give you notice of the divorce proceeding that meets due process standards.  If you knew about the divorce filing, it was up to you to make sure you kept up to date on what might be happening in the divorce case in the Rhode Island Family Court.

 Unfortunately there is not legal theory that allows you to sue your ex-husband under these circumstances.  If your husband wanted the divorce then you might have prolonged the proceeding but you would not have stopped it, so essentially you would have no damages to sue to recover.

If you weren't aware of the divorce itself and you have good reason why you would want to be married to this man as of today, you might want to find out how you were considered lawfully served by the Rhode Island Family Court and obtain an experienced divorce lawyer's opinion as to whether it was lawfully correct service of process.  It is possible, though rare, that you could successfully challenge the Rhode Island Divorce Judgment itself based upon lack of due process.

Authored By:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Attorney-at-Law

Rhode Island's Full-Time Divorce* Lawyer is Now
Rhode Island's Only Full-Time Divorce and Family Law Coach!!

Find out the Tremendous Benefits You Receive by 

Participate in Family Law Coaching Sessions!

Go to RhodeIslandDivorceCoach.com

Call (401) 632-6976 Now
and
Schedule Your Rhode Island Divorce* or Family Law* Coaching Session Now!

Copyright 2009.  Christopher A. Pearsall, Esquire
 Offering Divorce and Family Law Coaching for a New Millenium!

* Rhode Island licenses all attorneys in the general practice of law.

- - Recommended Websites - -

Pearsall.net | AttorneyPearsall.com | Rhode Island Divorce Tips | ChristopherPearsall.com | GuaranteedWealth.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorney | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer | ChrisPearsall.com | LegalScholar.com | Pearsall-Law-Associates.com | Rhode Island Divorce Attorneys | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyers | Rhode Island Divorce Coach  |  RI Divorce Coach | RI Divorce Lawyer on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Coach on Twitter | Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer on Facebook.com | Rhode Island Home Buying Tips | 

Advice from The Rhode Island Divorce Coach: Children Should Not Be Collateral Damage!

Divorce is Approaching . . . Can You Really Put Your Children First? 

In war, there is an acceptable rate of loss both for innocent citizens and for soldiers.    Regrettably, too many treat divorce proceedings in Rhode Island are spouses treating each other like they are at war with the enemy.  In my estimation there is no acceptable rate of loss in a divorce when it comes to children.  More particularly, what I see perhaps most commonly is that the children of the marriage become "collateral damage" because one or both spouses in the divorce are unable to exercise their intellect.  One or both spouses allow their emotions and their actions to spiral out of control, causing what may very well be irreparable damage to the children.  Though the examples are endless in this regard it takes only one example to demonstrate what I mean by this.  Rhode Island Divorce Example 1:  Bob and Gloria have two children, Derrick (age 6) and Tony (age 7).  Bob and Gloria have been married for 17 years.

Bob and Gloria have not been getting along for quite some time.  Bob tells Gloria that he wants a divorce and that he doesn't feel loved.  Gloria agrees because she doesn’t want to be married to Bob anymore but she wonders if counseling will help either of them. 

Bob tells her that he has already been going to counseling for the past 1 1/2 years and that he has thought this decision through for quite some time and that he is so unhappy that he thinks it best that they get a divorce.  Bob reassures Gloria that there isn’t “another woman” but that he simply doesn’t feel the same about their relationship anymore. 

Gloria is upset but says it is fine because she is not happy either.  She tells Bob to go ahead and file the Rhode Island Divorce and just let her know when the papers are coming.

 Bob gets a lawyer who files the divorce complaint.  Bob tells Gloria that the constable will be calling her to see when she would like to receive the divorce papers.  Gloria tells Bob that she will set up a time when their sons are at school so they are not upset and do not ask questions.  Gloria sets up a time that works for her and the constable brings the divorce papers as scheduled.

Bob thanks Gloria for being “adult about things and thinking of the children first.”  Bob thinks he and Gloria are in agreement about the divorce filing and protecting the children.  Gloria gets served on Tuesday by a very nice constable.  The constable is very kind, inconspicuous and courteous to her.  Gloria thanks the constable and then sits back on the couch for the afternoon and keeps staring at the divorce papers until it is time to pick up the children from school.  Gloria picks up the kids.  When Gloria returns home she sits back on the couch and continues staring at the divorce papers.  Derrick and Tony are playing on the living room floor right in front of the couch Gloria is sitting on when Bob gets home from work.  Bob slowly approaches Gloria who is still sitting on the couch. 

Suddenly Gloria jumps to her feet and waives the papers in his face.  The following dialogue takes place within a few feet of the kids.

THE INCIDENT

 Gloria:   [Screaming and waiving the divorce papers in Bob’s face]

“You God Damn Bastard!  You're such a coward!  You served me in my own home.  The home where our children live and sleep and grew up.  What kind of insensitive son-of-a-bitch are you.  I can't believe you're doing this to me and the kids after 17 freakin' years taking care of you.  I gave you these kids for what..... for nothing... that's what . . . because now you're divorcing us.  Derreck and Tony start crying and ask mommy to stop. “

Unfortunately Gloria is now very upset and and keeps screaming with the boys sobbing uncontrollably on the floor.

“Well I’ve had enough of your abuse over the years.  You want the house?  You can keep it.  The boys and I don’t need you.  You don’t care about us and that’s just fine.  We’ll go live in a cardboard box somewhere under a bridge in Providence or something.  I don’t need you.  The kids don’t need you and I’m going to make sure you don’t ever see the boys again so you can’t hurt us like this ever again.”

Gloria throws the divorce papers in Bob’s face.

“Don’t think I don’t know about your little playmate either.  I know that you went and found someone else.  Well if you want a whole new family with her go ahead.  I don’t want to be around you anymore and neither do the boys.  That’s it Bob.” 

Gloria stomps into the bedroom and slams the door.  Bob stands there ondering what happened, and then turns to Derreck and Tony. 

Derreck and Tony are curled up on the living room floor crying.  He brings the boys onto the couch, sits with them and holds them.  Bob reassures the boys that he is their daddy and that everything is going to be okay. He tells them that mommy is tired and things will be fine and he is always going to be part of their life.  After an hour or so the boys calm down.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE

This is only one example of how children become collateral damage from one spouse’s inability to contain emotions override common sense and at least a general concern for the minor children. 

Regrettably I’ve heard scenarios like this one repeated annually (with variations of course) for more than a decade illustrating how both husbands and wives who ‘react’ in irrational and irresponsible manners rather than taking time to consider the consequences of their actions and provide a ‘response’ controlled by reason at an appropriate time and place when the children are not present and will not be injured by their statements or actions.

As a Rhode Island Divorce lawyer in courtroom practice, I made it a point to meet with as many children of divorcing clients as I can.  I do so privately to see how the children are doing and let the children describe to me what they see, hear and how they feel.  I make sure that my clients understand that if they allow me to speak with the children that I will not disclose the information to them afterwards so the child (or children) will feel safe that if they speak truthfully with me that their will not be consequences for their trust.

I let clients know that I speak with the children only so that I can get a different perspective on what has been going on so that I may more effectively represent the client in the divorce action without damaging the children.

It comes as no surprise that incidents like the one described above occur all too frequently.

UNDERSTANDING THE DILEMA

These incidents are usually borne out of one spouse’s inability to control their own emotional reactions to a divorce proceeding.  While it can certainly be an emotionally painful experience for many people who may feel hurt or rejected, as the adults in the divorce situation, there is responsibility for parents to put aside or otherwise control their own emotional turmoil and keep it in check. 

For those that find this unrealistic in some circumstances (i.e. the husband is cheating with your best girlfriend, etc..) , I must respectfully disagree.

If you were adult enough to get married or adult enough to engage in an intimate relationship that resulted in children, then you should realize that you need to be adult enough to keep your emotions in check and protect the children you have brought into this world.

In my example, it appeared that Bob and Gloria were on the same page.  What neither Bob nor Gloria anticipated was the emotional affect the divorce and the divorce papers would have on Gloria once she actually received them.  I would have been difficult for Bob to do anything other than he did in this situation, except possibly to arrange for Derreck and Tony to stay with family members for a few days just to be on the safe side.  However, since Gloria seemed calm, that might have been taken by Gloria as a sign of distrust and made the situation worse. 

A friend and medical colleague of mine once made an observation that has stuck with me for years.  We have to have a license to practice law or medicine.  We have to have a license to get married.  We have to get a driver’s license to drive a car.  We have to get a passport to go between countries.  Yet of all the things that we are required to be trained for or get a license for, we don’t have to have any credentials, training, licensing, skills or even have an iota of common sense to become a parent.  This is sad when one considers that having children brings a new life into the world that may become tomorrow’s nobel prize winner or tomorrow’s newest serial killer . . . all of which may depend upon how well you do as a parent.

For those who are (or may be) entering a divorce or separation from someone that you are currently in (or have been in) a committed relationship with, I urge you to (1) strap your brain on, and (2) plug it in . . . before you act based upon your emotions when children are involved. 

Personally, I have seen enough children become collateral damage caused by avoidable adult stupidity simply because a parent chose to “react irrationally” and then just pawned it off on an emotional state and that they are entitled to their feelings. 

Your children don’t know what kind of "emotional state" you are in.  All your children know is that you are the stable parts of their lives that they need to be able to rely upon.  If you appear to them to be unstable by reacting irrationally, you can bring a child’s entire world to a crumbling halt, causing them to have trust, commitment, fear, anger, hostility or relationship issues for life.

If you’ve brought a life into this world, take responsibility for your actions.  Take responsibility for your child or children, financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. If you make a mistake along the way, try to make amends for it.  Do whatever you can do to prevent damage especially to young children.

Remember, having children isn’t a childhood game where you get a “do – over”.  You may only get one shot.  If you are going to get upset, angry, or throw a tantrum because you aren’t strong enough to keep your emotions “in check”, then go somewhere else and do it,  or have the children stay with someone until you can get a handle on your emotions.

You have a responsibility to the children you brought into this world.  Children do not need to become collateral damage of a parent’s inability to keep control of their emotions.

Authored By:

Christopher A. Pearsall, Attorney-at-Law

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